Enter Meggy

Meggy: 18, freshman at college, confused, funny, partier, skinny..maybe.

I just wrote a long paragraph but deleted it after reading it through. Does anyone even care about me? Does anyone care enough to actually be interested in reading how my day went? I doubt it, but that doesn't mean I can't write a blog.

I'll probably just talk about weight, diet, college life...parties, roomate stuff, how I can be incredibly bored a lot. The reason I'm starting this actually is because I have nothing else to do, and my threee main friends are all gone for the night- one's visiting her boyfriend at another college, one has to work early so she's driving home now, and one is at a banquet type thing. Then ME, hanging out here. Tonight is the first weekend night I haven't drank in probably 2 months. I party every single Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and love it. I always end up having a blast and talking to random people I know from random classes. It's weird, I know sooo many people from parites and classes, but I never really hang out with them or eat with them or anything. Just party with them. Last night I ran into two guys who live literally in the room right below mine. I go on their floor sometimes and see them (although I'm usually drunk at those times) so we kind of knew eachother. I talked to them for a while I think, but I was soo trashed I barely remember. Then I saw one of them today at the on-campus gym and HELLOO awkward!! We didn't even make eye contact, but I knew he saw me. Then at dinner I saw three people that I ran into last night. It's such a funy thing, because I don't want to look lame or clingy and be like "HIIIIII HOW ARE YOOOU?!" I usually kind of just smile and say hey. I never start conversations with them, I think thatd be awwkward. That's the party life I guess. Can't really talk about anything new until Friday, since I'm not drinking tonight!!

Well, weight, I'll blab about that for a while..I guess I am a typical girl who is constantly worried about weight and food and shit. People say they don't care or notice that kind of stuff. Either their lying or they should have been born a man. Every girl cares about that. College makes wight issues even worse. The majority of the day, I'm just hanging out in my room..surrounded by a shit load of food to eat. All I ever think about is eating, like either how much I want to or how much I shouldn't. Even right after dinner, I come back and just want a few more bites of food. I feel like I'm always either eating or procrastinating until I can eat. Right now I'm drinking grape flavored water because it has flavor and it almost feels like I'm eating. A few minutes ago I had some Carmel Junior Mints and a bite of a nutter butter. Soon I'll probably eat something else. This is one thing I can do to avoid eating. I think I might do yoga tonight to get my mind off food. That'll waste like an hour or so hopefully. Today I ate 3 peices of lite bread, some oatmeal, a serving or so of wheat thins, probably about 2 servings of caramel corn, an apple, some junior carmels, a hershy's kiss, a little finger sized package of sixlets, then for dinner i had a big salad with broaccali and cherry tomatoes and like a 3/4 cup of cooked mixed beans. I think tallying that up, its about 1200 calories, rounding up. I always round up when I count calories. I wish I didn't snack so much. I aaalways eat when I'm bored, and I was alone all day, since my roomate is visiting her boyfriend this weekend. I don't know why but I think I eat a lot more when I'm alone. I tried thinking of things I could so instead of eat, and I even made a to-do list. I'll probably still end up eating more tonight, I hope I don't though.

I worked out today, that was one thing to keep me away from this food zone! I work out every single day though. I skipped Thanksgiving since there was too much going on with driving and the family all coming and shit. Usually I do the elliptical for an hour, then go on the rowing maching for about 10 mins, sometimes 15 or 20. Today I did the elliptical for an hour and ten minutes, then rowed for 10 minutes, then biked for 12 minutes, then did abs/crunches for 10 mins. I have no idea how many calories that is, maybe like 700 or 800. I'm thin, so it's usually not as much as it is for the normal people.

I weighed 103.8 pounds today. That probably sounds really thin, since I'm like 5'5"-5'6". I don't really get how you could find your "true weight" since theres always food or water or pee or poop in your body. You could weigh yourself after peeing and pooping and not eaten or drank any liquids for a few hours prior, and you get get the lowest end of the weight flucuation spectrum, but is that your true weight? Or is it like cheating kind of, just to make yourself feel better...Haha I think it's kind of cheating.. Well, I drink a ton, like a TON of water all the time, so who know what I truly weigh. At the beginning of the school year, I weighed around 98-99 pounds usually. I thought it was too thin and that everyone was always staring at me thinking I look gross and anorexic (which I am NOT! absolutely not!!) I really don't know what to do about weight. I feel like Jekyl and Hyde about it- somtimes I just think I am too thin and need to gain a little, and it doesn't matter if I do since people will still like me...but then I will think no, no, no I have to stay skinny because it looks good and people will know I'm gaining weight and think I'm weak against food, or they'll bring it up, or I'll just keep gaining and weigh too much. I almost wish I weighed 98 pounds again. I weighed that much for no specific reason, I didn't even try. I think it was because I was walking everywhere to classes and that I lived with my old roomate (yea, I switched rooms like a month ago because I hated my old roomate-major bitch!!). When I lived with her, she never left the room-she didn't make any friends when she came here, so she was ALWAYS IN THE ROOM. I don't know why, but I felt weird eating or snacking in front of her. So I only ate like 2 fig newtons for a quick breakfast, lunch around 12 and dinner around 5 or 6. For meals, I just eat a big salad (Im vegetarian so I actually LOVE eating salad for like every meal, haha)-which is the whole plate full-like overflowing- with lettuce and spinach, then I add whatever is at the buffet bar, which is usually like 3 or 4 of either broaccali, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, cauliflower, and maybe something else that I can't remember right now. Then I use Italian dressing, probably around a tablespoon or so, it comes out of the bottle pretty fast, so something I accidently use too much. Then with the salad I switch it up and get either 3 apples slices, some grapes, or a 1/2 banana, depending on what is at the buffet line, and usually a tiny bowl of yourgurt and granola. Around once a week, I get fries or something from the hot buffet line, instead of sticking to the salad bar and fruit/yougurt bar. I always drink like 2 cups of water with dinner. I did that like every day, didn't snack much, and worked out for about an hour every day. I didn't even realize I lost weight until we had an assignment for a wellness class where a nurse type person found our flexibility, heart rate, ect., and I weighed 98 pounds. I was actually surprised to weigh that little, since like the year before college I weighed around 104-107, and I started eating a lot for the next week or two, and getting dessert at every meal, and just pigging out a lot. Now, I'm 104. I kind of wished I was like 102.

I know I'm underweight and really skinny. I haven't gotten my period in about 2 years. I know its bad, but I don't care. I love to work out, eat healthy, and look thin. I think now,...I don't look or feel thin. Since I just gained like 6 pounds in like a month. but I felt nervous to weigh that little. Now, God, I don't even know what I want to weight. A few minutes ago, I went to the bathroom, and I my walk back to my room, I saw a regular girl- decently thin, but not like 'skinny', with takeout food, and I could smell it. It was probably like a burger or chicken strips with fries, and I just thought..what the hell. I don't think she ever works out, she eats crap like that all the time- I aaalways see her with fast food- and she still looks pretty good. I feel like if I ate like that, I would be fat and unhappy. But I don't even know, it just made me kind of mad seeing that and I felt like I should eat since she could. I got back to my room and had a handful of carmel popcorn then! What the hell! Oh well, I'll get over it.

Well, I should probably get to the rest of my night. I'm going to shower, do yoga (I hope! I want to, so I hope I don't end up skipping it), vacuum the room, clean my desk, and maybe do some homework.

By the way, I named my blog "toxic" because as I was on this sight, the Brittney Spears Documentary was on t.v. and the song toxic was playing. No real reason, just thought it was kind of clever :)

Let me know if you read this, I highly doubt anyone is or ever will, but I'm kind of interested to know if anyone even read it, so telll mee :)

I'm going to try to not eat a whole lot tonight, although I'm pretty sure I will end up having a snack. I eat when I'm bored, remember!! Hopefully my to-do list will keep me busy enough to not just want to eat.

Meggy