How can I feel fat & chubby
when im a size 0/2?
how can i call myself sooo fat
when i get compliments on my body?
how can i be fat
if im in the normal weight range?
i really am fucked up.
i kind of thought of an issue the other day. I leave for college on sunday.
If i restirct hard core and anyone notices, adding to the fact that they are all convinced im anorexic, they are going to get really mad at me and be pissy this semester, and question me on my weight.
i need to appear care free around them, having bites of food here and there, leave wrappers around and in the garbage so it seems like ive eaten.
i cant cant CAANNTTT appear to have any issues with food before i head to college.
last year when i went off to college, i got calls twice a week asking what ive been eating and if im working out at all (too much, which i totally was)
so im not going to have any weight loss for the next few days :(
that seriously upsets me so much.
ive been taking laxatives a lot more lately. idk if theyve helped.
yester day i weighed 115.
im sure today i weigh about 138.
i really believe if i can stabalize at 113 i'd be completely happy with my body.
ive BEEN skinny.
ive BEEN extreme thinspo.
trust me, its not that great.
at 5'6" and about 100 lbs (45 kilos), i got so much shit. everyone looked at me weird. people would almost give me dirty looks.
everyone was staring all the time.
my BEST FRIENDS wrote letters to the guidance counselour saying they were worried about me.
my teachers and coaches talked to the guidance counselours.
i was always being watched and for what? to look thin. why? i dont know, it felt good i guess?
it hurt to sit because my ass was so god damn boney. i carried a sweatshirt with me 24/7 to sit on, but then i'd get to cold and put it on. i was always cold. i wore gloves around school all winter.
a day didnt go by that someone didnt say "geez youre so skinny how much do you weigh? like 80 lbs?"
it got old, but i didnt care. i maintained like 100-105 for 3 years.
then i got intervened and threatened to have to go to rehab. which is basically the worst thing that could ever happen. so i just gained.
i said fuck it, ill get to 115. if i need, i can always lose. i have the tendency to go overbaord on weight loss.
okay, so THE POINT ISS lol, got a little off topic..
that im not trying to get THERE, to that skinnyness of a level. i just want a flat stomach, to fit into my size 0's like i have for 4 years, and just not gain or worry constantly about weight and food and shit.
that being said, im going to go take some laxatives and try to find a party.
good luck girls, try to figure out what you want and stick to it. do whats best for you. YOU is all you have to live for.
much love
xx
meg
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7 comments:
Our horrible horrible minds, what are they doing to us!?! I look at your pictures and think ooooohhh, I'm so jealous, Meggy is so tiny, I wish I was as thin as her. But we about the same height and weight! What the fuck? when I look in the mirror all I see is fat :(.
It's our heads that are broken. Our bodies are great!
aw ur poor ting! skul sounded well hard! its totally ricick tho! I dont feel how I look either! and I no how I look fotos and Im like my legs look thin but they dont feel thin I constantly feel my inner thighs against eachother and feel sick! enjoy college I moved away for a yr and used my ibs as an excuse for my weird eating patterns! xx
youve been through a lot,
well done for knowing where you want to get, and striving to get there,
I wish you all the best,
hope your okay.
I don't think any of us actually sees the image in the mirror, because in the back of your mind there is always that voice shouting "Stop Eating! You're Fat! You're Ugly! You're a cow!" But its already linked. Somewhere in the brain we've connected success and failure to weight loss and weight gain (respectively) and its going to take one hell of a miracle to rewire it.
at least u can set your self a goal and know that that is where u want to be and u have been to the bottom, u know being under a certian weigth is no good for you - your strong - u will be fine at college :) stay strong x
I totally agree with you. Set our own goals. I always think I'm fat. Always. My highest weight was 147. When I went through recovery for my car accident the highest I went was 137. I've lost ten pounds again and I still feel huge. It doesn't matter. People may think I'm thin, but next to my 115 lb boy friend I'm a whale. When I put on a shirt and it doesn't lay flat, i'm huge. I think being as healthy as possible is more important than being X weight.
thanks :)
i hope this upcoming school year goes better for you
Have a great school year. :) I have looked at myself in the mirror before and thought "Fat, you look horrible" and then went out and my friends would look at me and say "Have you lost 10 pounds? you look amazing!"
And then I go home and think "Why, why, why can't I feel amazing?"
stay strong.
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