Tuesday

It really upsets me reading some of your blogs.
On one hand, i think it's sad how people have to deal with starving themselves and feel bad after they eat. Trying so hard to be thin, while it can be so bad for you.
On the other hand, Im so jealous. I miss it, I really do. I always wish I could go back to it. Everyone thinks Im cured because I eat a shitload now, but on the inside, I HATE IT. I want to be thin!!!!! I want to SO bad!!! I can try to lie to my family about my weight, but I know I'll never be back to 100. The lowest I could ever get it probly 107, and now I think Im around 112. YUCK, 112?!?!?! I have never in my whole life weighed this much. It feels disgusting.
But I keep eating. I think in the back of my head that I want to have kids some day, and I still have no period. Havent in over 2 years. If my family notices I just dont get it, they'll know somethings wrong and will send to be a rehab center. FUCK THAT. thats what is keeping me from 100.
So I eat for kids one day and no rehab ever.

But seriously, i hate this "112". yuck, any higher and i'd just freak out. But i keep eating, like an 'in the moment' kind of thing. I will think "rememer, kids and rehab. kids and rehab!' so i eat. losing weight if the worst thing i could do to myself right now, but its the thing i want to do most!!!

this has probly turned out way too long lol, and its getting late and i havent worked out yet today, so Im off to do that! hopefully everyones doing good. im so jealous of you all lol, but remember that it IS ok to be normal, you dont have to be super skinny to be noticed or liked. and your body does so much for you, so remember to treat it right.

much love xx

Meggy :)