Im sitting alone in my dorm room right now. Saturday night, 9:57, sick, sore throat, feeling like shit. Every 10 minutes Im getting a text from a different friend, "Hey! Watcha doing tonight???" "Where ya going" "You drinking?" I havent replied once. All I can do is think about shit, this is the perfect time to. And Ive thought for a longgg time about this blog, maybe posting a post, seeing how everyones doing. Its been months upon months. Do people remember me?
Im pretty sure everyone on here has some sort of eating disorder. If not now, then you did. You dont have to admit it or recognize it, but its the truth.
I used to have it bad. Really really bad. I was 5'6", 95 pounds for a long time. Then my whole family had a 4 hour long intervention with me, told me i needed to gain or they would send me to rehab for ana's. I couldnt do that, so I gained. And gained.. :/ And gained.. Now Im around 127. I hate that number. I FUCKING HATE ANYTHING 3 DIGITS.
But here is the thing. Anorexia was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I was in amazing shape. I ate healthy. I worked out daily, cardio, abs, lifted weights. I had straight A's. I was determined to do anything I set my mind to. I finished everything on time, if not early. I was extremely disciplined but still happy with my life.
Now?
Now I dont give a shit what I eat, I eat way too much all the time and then get pissed at myself about it. I hardly ever work out. My grades are horrible. I do everything at the last minute. I just dont care about anything, not my schooling, myself, my health, anything.
I want to change. I want to chance back. I wish I had the same determination and discipline as I used to when I had an eating disorder. I wish that more than anything.
People make eating disorders out to be the worst thing in the world, but I was so happy, loved my body, got compliments so much. My life was so much better when I actually cared enough to count calories, I cared about everything more. I was a perfectionist, school-wise, bodywise, eating-wise, excersize-wise. I could walk by candy, chocolate, and chips in the store but instead get flavored water, thinking "I dont need that crap, why waste money and calories getting it?" Now? I think: "Fuck it, Im getting it."
Im SO embarassed to say this :( I am so weak, so pathetic, so FUCKING ANGRY AND UPSET WITH MYSELF. I cant believe I weigh this much. Ive weight under 120 my whole life and now Im a whopping 127. FUCK MY LIFE.
Everyday I think about this shit. I think "OK. eat skinny. work out later. lose weight. lose weight. LOSE WEIGHT."
But this is what happens: "oh, i see food? Im going to eat all of it. and instead of working out, im going to eat more."
I NEED TO CHANGE. I NEED THIS. I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS SO BAD. I want to be back to how I was, maybe not 95 pounds. But I want to be under 120. SO BAD :( I dont want anything more in the whole world! So this is my proposal to myself, TO CHANGE. FINALLY CHANGE my life.
Right now, Im throwing away anything bad for me, mainly chocolate, shit like that. Throwing it away. Im going to write up a plain for the week.
I WILL work out every single day.
I WILL eat salads for every single meal, and when I have any free time, i WILL have something planned so I dont end up getting bored and eating a shitton of food.
My birthday is this thursday, I would love to be like 125 on my bday, that would be the best bday present I could ask for. Tomorrow, sunday, allthough I am very sick, I will make it to the gym. Even if im sitting and struggling on the stationary bike, kleenex in both hands and in nostril, sneezing my lungs out, miserable, watery eyes: i WILL work out lol. I need this lifestyle change.
I have taken 6 laxatives in the last 18 hours for my starting clense. I might keep taking them, I probably will. Its hard when you love in the dorms though, because laxatives (sorry for TMI) make me have diahrrea and sometimes it can be noisy, sooo I dont really enjoy that, especially when theres people in the bathroom :/ .
So girls, i ask you for any help that you can give me, I really need it!! Ive let myself go in so many ways and I want to get to the old Megan who can get great grades, not skip last, get up early to work out (havent done that in a WHILE), start my life again!! I love you all so much and ask you to stay strong, stay disciplined, DONT GO OVERBOARD!!!, but dont change who you are for other people that will jsut fuck up your life in the long run!! Im getting very tired now, and going to start making notes and write up a very strict schedule for the week.
i WILLLL ABSOLUTELY be back on in the next few days, I will read some other blogs, try to encourage others, do whatever i can to help you ladies out since I know you will all help me out!!
"The first step is to begin, and you are already halfway there."
Love you all, so much! Have a great week!
**Meggy
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EDIT
so i just looked through my old posts and look what I stumbled upon (major thinspo of myself, YES that was me..)
http://meggystoxiclife.blogspot.com/2009/01/finally-posting.html
wow. i am like 30 pounds heavier now :( fuckk..
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2 comments:
of course we remember you,
and happy birthday!
maybe instead of jumping back in head first you could try starting small, like just exercising for 20 minutes one day so it doesn't seem overwhelming, and just increase it a bit each day? that way you could be healthy and not extreme.
do u ever think of the downside of being so small? sometimes when i feel really shitty about my size/weight now i remember how much is sucked to be cold, to be dizzy/faint, pain from laxies, hiding everything, having family pissed off at you because you won't eat, etc i try to remember the bad stuff too on top of how great it felt to be tiny.
I remember you and your amazing dedication to the gym. It really helped me lose again. just be careful, its dangerous to lose weight so rapidly, especially after you've recovered some (speaking from experience). It can take longer, but you can do it.
I love you! I'm so glad to see your post
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